I keep having these nightmares that my ex moves back into the apartment.
I either wake up and he is in bed next to me, or I come home and find him sitting on the couch.
How do you go from loving someone with every fucking fiber of your being, to being ass terrified that he's going to wander back into your life and make himself at home?
I don't know. I can't exactly explain it.
I don't hate my ex. I still do and will always love him, just as I do any other man I've ever loved. The love doesn't stop just because the relationship stops.
But he's gone now and I am ok with it. In fact, I am happy these days. I've been in the process of moving on since the day after he left. I feel like I have been carving out my own life again. I am happy with the way things are going.
After a night of bizarre dreams though, I think I put things into perspective a bit. I'm not heartbroken because the ex is gone. I am not heartbroken because he came home, after months of telling me how unhappy he was but how I wasn't the problem, and all of a sudden had decided I was the problem.
I'm heartbroken over how things were for the last few months of the relationship. I feel like our love was very forced during that time. I wanted to so desperately to hold everything together for no other reason than I had a life with this person and I knew it was going to be a pain in the ass to have to divide it up.
I'm heartbroken for all the times I told him I loved him, and meant it, but he stopped saying it back to me. I'm heartbroken it took so much of THAT before things finally ended.
I'm heartbroken that I find it so hard to sleep alone, but it's not that I want the ex there, I just want someone there. Anyone. Just got so used to waking up with someone that going to sleep and waking up alone is still hard sometimes.
But! Despite the fact that there's some heartbreak here, there are so many more reasons that my heart feels awesome these days. I feel I am becoming a truer version of myself. I find I am spending my time with better people and getting fulfillment from them. I feel like things are looking up.
And then I'm reminded about heartbreak again, because isn't it heartbreaking that by the love of your life leaving you that you realize you can have it so much better the most heartbreaking thing of all?