I'm ready - it's time.
Maybe it's just a coincidence that my back and shoulders have been killing me for about three weeks now, but I feel like I'm ready to give "the girls" their marching orders and get my damn life back.
I'm going to give you a ball out (tits out?) account of my personal history with my breasts because I really don't think people get why boobs are a big deal to women, whether the breasts concerned are small or massive.
My breasts showed up when I was 11, in the fifth grade. I didn't get a training bra stage, I got B-cups. My Mom got her hands on some HAND ME DOWN bras from my older cousin because she noticed I needed one all of a sudden.
So, we're in her bedroom and she's showing me how the bra works and how to put it on, which for me, was pretty mortifying. But THEN my Dad tried to come into the bedroom. My Mom had locked the door and of course my Dad wanted to know what she was doing in there with the door locked. Thankfully she didn't yell out at the top of her lungs that she was trying to cram my B cups into an A cup hand me down bra - but still, I knew she was going to tell him that after so I was pretty horrified.
Well THEN a few weeks later we had to go to the Bay to get me a bra that actually fit. For one, getting measured by a geriatric sales clerk at the Bay seems to be a right of passage for young girls but I didn't know that at the time. So I get the fitting and while I'm trying on some bras, my stupid sisters are trying to peek under the change room. I can't remember but I sure hope I kicked at least one of them in the face.
Going to school wearing a bra was THE WORST. For starters, once all the girls figured out what I had to offer via the change rooms in the gym - it was on. Do you know not one boy ever snapped my bra straps? Nope, only the other girls.
Did you remember that this is all happening in the FIFTH GRADE?!
Anyway - flash forward to junior high where now pretty much everyone has boobs so the playing field is a bit more even. Except now I'm cramming my D cups into a C cup bra. Lovely. D cup breasts are far too much responsibility for a 13 year old girl. I wore a lot of baggy shirts and hoodies to hide the goods.
Somewhere between junior high and high school I gave up button down shirts because the buttons kept flying off.
When I was 21 and working at CJOB I got a chance to do Herbal Magic for free (for the love of god don't EVER do Herbal Magic - it's a starvation diet!). Somewhere in the process of not eating any food and dropping 20 pounds, my D cups became DD cups. According to all the girls at Herbal Magic I was the first person they'd ever seen who somehow got bigger boobs while losing weight everywhere else.
I still have those DDs, they didn't go away when I got off the plan.
Here's a list of things I either can't do because of my breasts, or have trouble doing because of my breasts. We've already covered button down shirts.
-When I work out, I need both a regular bra AND a sports bra. Since I've started running I suspect I may even need another sports bra.
-I can't sleep on my stomach because they hurt. I normally sleep on my sides. But sometimes a tit is known to inexplicably manage to get itself stuck under my body in the middle of the night, causing me to wake up in pain.
-Driving requires me to be 100% posture perfect at all times. Seat back must be straight up to minimize the stress on my back and shoulders. When I drive for work, I'm on a two week shift. At the end of those two weeks I can barely move, I'm so stiff.
-My boobs bump into things. People, walls, shelves, other breasts. The enter a room before I do so it just kind of happens.
-My bathing suits must have built in bras. If I wear a string bikini or anything that ties around my neck, my neck will hurt within minutes.
-When I get my period and the hormones start flying, my breasts swell and ACHE. It's like having menstrual cramps in my bra.
-I'm only twenty seven, but my breasts look rough (in my opinion). They still have the stretch marks I got in the first place, they have a bit of sag because I've had them for more than half my life at this point. Looking at the women in my family, who all have the big tits, these girls are only going to get bigger and badder. My Aunt just had a breast reduction and she was an F cup for crying out loud. She's never been happier now that she's smaller.
So - in two weeks, I'm going to sit down with a surgeon and ask him to take me from a DD to a more reasonable C cup. And the second the surgery is done and I'm all healed up I am going to buy about 100 button down shirts and cute summer no-bra dresses. That's all I really want.
Even more than that I really want my breasts to stop running the show. I want my life back.
The only thing I'm not looking forward to is trying to get this nipple ring out, I have no idea how to take it out. Eep. But if the boobs come out real cute looking, I'm piercing both nipples.